Letters To LARRY

Friday June 5, 2009
******************



Larry Spurlock responds to
Letters to LARRY
% Blogger.com

BLOGGER.COM: 13 months ago, I signed Larry Spurlock to a $ 1,000,000 annual contract as a Featured Style Journalist for a Blog.
Since that time, we have received thousands of cards and letters asking Larry’s opinion and advice on everything imaginable. Today, I’d like to give Larry the opportunity to respond to one of those missives.
I give you, Larry Spurlock …


LARRY SPURLOCK: Thank you, Sir.

:cough: A Mr. Richard Feder of Ft. Lee, New Jersey writes in saying,
“ Dear Larry Spurlock – I am plum crazy over large sized breasts on women. I like the 36 Ds, I like the 36 DDs, I like the 36 DDDs and I really like the 36 DDDDs.
I keep hearing that men who love those full figured women probably were not breast fed as babies.
You, Larry Spurlock, seem to be a very knowledegable gentleman.
What I want to know is, do you think my mama didn’t love me ? Do you think she was too busy to breast feed me ? Do you think she didn’t want her breasts to sag from all that sucking ? Do you think she was too stupid to know the benefits of breast feeding ? Do you think she had some sort of disease in her breast-milk ? And if she did, do you think I’ll get that disease ? And if I do, do you think I’ll die ? “

Mr. Feder, .. you sure ask a lot of stupid questions for a dude from New Jersey !

But I, Larry Spurlock, know what you’re talking about, Mr. Feder.
I, too, am fond of the full figured woman. But I was breast fed as a baby.
Can you imagine me, Larry Spurlock, all cute and little baby-like, all snuggled up and breast feeding ?

That’s how it was in the old days. I like the old days. I like old music, old baseball cards, old newspaper clippings, old pictures, old furniture, old friendships, old cars, old Movies, old McDonald, Old Man River, Old Brown Shoe and Old Navy.
But what I, Larry Spurlock, don’t like is old breasts. I mean have you ever gone to the Beach and these 80 year old women are like wearing these swimsuits that are all low cut and they walk around on the Boardwalk and smile at all the young dudes ?
And don’t get me started on the old men at the Beach who walk around with no shirt on. Old flabby breasts and all that gray hair. I mean, old man, shave that off there. It looks gross !
And what about those really fat people at the Beach ? You see ‘em sitting on those benches and they’re always eating something .. like French Fries or Corn on the Cobb or Funnel Cakes or Sausages. And they usually have crumbs all over their shirts. And most of the time, something is stuck in their rotten, crooked teeth. And they just keep on shoving stuff in there.
And I’m like, hey .. you trying to make me, Larry Spurlock, sick. Come on you fat, ugly, old people .. go the mountains, not the Beach. The Beach is for good looking, thin, young people with nice teeth. Haven’t you ever watched Baywatch ? Now, there’s what you want to see at the Beach. Boy, that Pamela Anderson is hot, isn’t she ? Can you believe Scott Baio used to knock the bottom out of that. He was Fonzy’s cousin, wasn’t he ?
Hey, how did Fonzy make that Jukebox start by just elbowing it, anyway ?
Remember that one show where Richie (Opie) Cunningham’s big chested mom kissed Fonzy with her tongue out ? I thought I was going to die ! Her tongue was old and it looked like some fat woman’s at the Beach and her voice sounded like she had a cold and she probably had a hocker in her throat .. maybe all the way up in her mouth. Spit that out Marion Ross. What are you trying to do .. make me, Larry Spurlock, sick ?


BLOGGER.COM: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Larry. Whoa !


LARRY SPURLOCK: Yeah, dude .. whats a matter ?


BLOGGER.COM: Well, first of all .. that’s disgusting. You’re making everybody sick. And secondly, you’re straying way off the subject. What’s all that have to do with Mr. Feder’s questions ?


LARRY SPURLOCK: Well, Blogger.com, it just goes to show you .. it’s always something. If it’s not one thing – it’s another.
If you’re a woman with large breasts – you can kiss Fonzy .. and you don’t have to breast feed Opie. But if you’re an old man with gray chest hair, you’re going to be stuck with a fat, ugly woman eating Funnel Cakes and French Fries on a bench in Ocean City. Otherwise, Pamela Anderson is going to be left sucking face with ‘Chachi in charge’ of old jukebox music at Old Navy.
At least, I, Larry Spurlock, will not have to hook up with an 80 year old slut in the mountains !

LARRY..CURTIS..SPURLOCK


* With full aploogies to Gilda Radner
(and SNL)

.

.

.